However, the night before my doc muttered the “C” word, I’d been gifted with a nightmare. In case you didn’t know (perhaps you aren’t as into dream analysis as I am), nightmares are some of the most valuable of messengers… sure, they’re scary as *&$#, but that’s just to get your attention.
So this cancer diagnosis of my lady-parts came hand-in-hand with a stream of nightmares about sin, sex, guilt, & religion. I instinctively knew there was a connection. My beliefs were showing up in my body. It was a new concept for me, but it came in a moment of grace alongside an absolute faith things were going to work out okay. To that end, I made the decision to keep the whole thing a secret for a while - I wasn’t convinced I could insulate myself from everyone else’s cancer freak-out, so to stay in the “trust” zone, silence was necessary.
When I tried to make my next appointment, I found out there was going to be a three month wait before I could see the specialist that donated her time to the medical clinic on campus. I was disappointed to hear that there’d be such a long gap in the process, but I heard a little voice murmur, “The time lag… it’s to your benefit.” Everything was happening to support me, huh? Okay, well I didn’t have a choice so I began to think about what I could do in the meantime.
Back then, I wasn’t into holistic or alternative healing per se, but when I went home I began making a list of all the ick that'd showed up in the dream. I didn’t have a fraction of the tools I have now (to move stuff like that out), but I just tried to put my finger on any small part of me that still thought sex was wrong, God was a punisher, etc. And then I basically worked my way into crafting the new thoughts I wanted to embody, thoughts like: I am clean; God loves me; I love my body; I am beautiful, etc.
I didn’t do much else – I wasn’t educated about all the dietary, environmental, herbal, and movement related healing strategies I could tap into (and I implore anyone with cancer to do their “alternative” research – there are more curative interventions out there than western medicine would have you believe). But by the time three months had passed, and I was examined preceding the surgical procedure I was scheduled for, ALL of the cells in my cervix were normal. There was no indication of cancer. There was nothing to biopsy. The befuddled doctor basically sent me home as she shook her head. And the follow up tests confirmed it. The picture “down there” had totally shifted.
So here's what I know from my experience. Old thoughts, even ones you don't believe in very much anymore, can get stuck in your body to the point where your body shows a symptom, be it something temporary or a scary diagnosis that would seem, to some, as irreversible. But here's what else I know. The body-mind connection is WAY more powerful than most of us were brought up to even consider.
I'm incredibly grateful for the wake-up call I got many years ago. It has fundamentally changed who I am, my career path, my relationships, and the way my body feels. Fertility might be something most of you think about only when it comes time to have a baby, but for me fertility also shows up every single day - as vitality, a body with excellent circulation, supportive relationships, and a rich life.
Sometimes you can't know what a blessing a "disease" is until... until you just do.