How close are you to giving birth? Now think ahead a few years into the future, and imagine what it’s going to be like to teach your child how to ride a bike for the first time - without the training wheels. Or jump off the high dive. Or step foot into the kindergarten classroom. 

The same kinds of things kids need you to embody in these situations that might be a tad-bit scary for them, are the same things they need as you get close to your due-date. 

In today’s video - just 3 minutes long - I share the 3 basic messages you want to send to your baby as you think about birth. Sometimes it’s easy to get so caught up in your prep process, classes, etc. that you forget your baby has a big job to do in his or her own right. So as you communicate with you lil one, stick to these core messages, and it will do a lot for them. During the 3rd trimester (and really before, as well) babies are showing us more and more about how much is being programmed into their neurology. That’s why my clients and I talk so much about protocols for releasing any stress that’s been in the picture.

But just as an older child will often respond courageously to little boosts of encouragement, your baby will too. It’s pretty simple, really. Take a look. :)

Pregnancy loss is a touchy subject, and rightly so. 

We talk about it so little "out there" - and yet almost 80% of women (whether they know it or not) will experience at least one pregnancy loss during their lifetime. 80%!!!

But depending on your fertility goals, how much effort & intention you’ve put into getting pregnant, and a host of other factors, pregnancy loss can absolutely knock you over with grief and exhaustion.


Physical Considerations

A miscarriage takes a huge toll on your physical body. Experts recommend giving yourself a full year to recover from a miscarriage before trying again. Even if you’re older and worried about running out of time, Roy Dittman OMD of The Brighton Baby says this: “Women that rush into getting pregnant immediately after a miscarriage have a much higher chance of miscarrying a second time… Wait 12 months before trying to conceive again. One year’s worth of preconception preparation will easily “subtract” two or more years from your Biophysical Age - literally turning your biological clock backwards. By waiting, you will be more likely to become pregnant and carry your future baby to term.” He then goes on to offer his very comprehensive physical protocol for rebuilding & strengthening the body, and it is really worth checking out.



Emotional Considerations

What I see even more people rushing through after a loss other than attending to their body, is paying attention to their emotional healing. I do get all the reasons why it’s tempting to gloss over the grief. However, you do yourself and your body a disservice when when you ignore what’s just true about the heaviness of loss, because there are parts of grief that won’t go away until you deal with them consciously. You can delay the emotional healing, but that will tend to delay your fertility timeline, in the process. 

My friend and grief counselor, Karen Mehringer of www.liveapurposefullife.com offered a few ideas for supporting the healing process that I want to re-share here.  

1. Slow down, take the time out, rest – full permission for as long as it takes
2. Express the feelings of grief – shame, anger, frustration, unworthiness… the heaviness moves more easily when you let yourself go there
3. Find a support group, formal or one with friends who can "go there" with you – it's normal to want to isolate, but connecting to support can be one of the most healing things you do
4. Ask “spirit” for help – things will start to show up!
5. Write a letter to the baby
6. Create a ritual – like planting a tree
7. Create an alter
8. Meditate/pray
9. Develop a daily gratitude practice
10. Move your body - walk, yoga, swim, dance - just find something that moves you (bonus points: include nature)
11. Find a way to give back, be of service to other people
12. Communicate what you need from one day to the next – be willing to ask for support 

You’ve quite possibly found, as you’ve read this list, that you’re already doing one or two of these suggestions, which is great! I’d like to invite you to try to find one that is a little bit of a stretch for you and try it on for size for the next week or so - especially if you’re really in the throes of grief right now. Otherwise, it’s a good idea to contact healing professionals like me or Karen, if you want some support that’s more individualized - particularly important if you’re feeling pretty stuck. 


Energetic or Soul-Level Perspectives

Another thing I like to do with clients is look at the miscarriage from a totally different perspective, which often shines a light on things for them that brings with it spontaneous healing on all levels. If you’re curious about that, keep your eyes open for the calls we offer from time to time - we'll be addressing these topics in detail. 

I was surprised at how much I learned from the short time I spoke with Rachel Lewis about fostering, and foster-to-adopting... Find out the highlights in this video, or access the full replay by clicking here.

A lot of information continues to come forth about how a positive fertility mindset is THE missing piece for many couples struggling with “infertility.” From a holistic perspective, the mental and emotional slices of the pie are sizable, and the larger western medical community is beginning to see that, too.

Everyone gets that stress, hopelessness, and negativity is going to make things more difficult. It makes sense. Stress and negativity cause tension, poor circulation, inflammation, and hormonal imbalances in the body. So it has to be addressed, the doctors tell you.

But the big question is how can you get rid of stress, short of quitting your job? How can you shift, little by little, into a place of peaceful trust? If you’re like most people, that’s where you need help.

Now, a “mind over matter” attitude, positive affirmations, the law of attraction, and the like are great. But the problem is, these exercises have a bit of a glass ceiling on them because they tend to access what we call the “thinking brain.” Western psychology focuses on trying to shift things by thinking. But thinking just doesn’t connect to the emotional brain, where fears like “my body is betraying me” really sit. You might understand logically that your body isn’t really trying to betray you, but it can still feel that way! You might intellectually know that your mother in law’s comments aren’t meant to hurt you, but in the emotional brain it can still register that way.

What exactly is the emotional brain? Also known as the hind brain, the emotional brain is the primary place that lights up on brain scans when you’re emotionally charged. It’s located toward the base of the skull, and is unfortunately not much affected by insight or logic.

In other words, you can logically understand that you need to be peacefully visualizing a healthy pregnancy… But until you are able to shift things in that emotional hind-brain, it will feel fake or out of focus. And your physical symptoms will remain.

Change doesn’t happen until that emotional brain is reached. But the good news is that tapping into the healing powers of that emotional brain is very powerful, once you know how to do it. Stress begins to dissipate. Your body begins to relax and release constriction. And positive, hopeful affirmations begin to feel amazingly within reach.

So if you’ve been struggling with your mental game, trying without much luck to shift stressful, anxious thoughts, it’s likely that you’ve been attempting tothink your way out of them. Neurologically, that’s an uphill battle. The key is in the emotional brain. Shift what’s going on neurologically in the emotional brain, and you will see change. In the holistic world, we help people with this every day so there’s plenty of support for the changes you want.

Until that change happens, have compassion for yourself. You’re not struggling mentally & emotionally because there’s something wrong with you. You just haven’t found the right "connect to the truth" tool for you. 

The way to find what will make a difference for you? Say a prayer... or if "prayer" doesn't resonate, think of it as sending out a general request to the universe to see what shows up as far as some guidance. Then follow it. 

A lot of information continues to come forth about how a positive fertility mindset is THE missing piece for many couples struggling with “infertility.” From a holistic perspective, the mental and emotional slices of the pie are sizable, and the larger western medical community is beginning to see that, too.

Everyone gets that stress, hopelessness, and negativity is going to make things more difficult. It makes sense. Stress and negativity cause tension, poor circulation, inflammation, and hormonal imbalances in the body. So it has to be addressed, the doctors tell you.

But the big question is how can you get rid of stress, short of quitting your job? How can you shift, little by little, into a place of peaceful trust? If you’re like most people, that’s where you need help.

Now, a “mind over matter” attitude, positive affirmations, the law of attraction, and the like are great. But the problem is, these exercises have a bit of a glass ceiling on them because they tend to access what we call the “thinking brain.” Western psychology focuses on trying to shift things by thinking. But thinking just doesn’t connect to the emotional brain, where fears like “my body is betraying me” really sit. You might understand logically that your body isn’t really trying to betray you, but it can still feel that way! You might intellectually know that your mother in law’s comments aren’t meant to hurt you, but in the emotional brain it can still register that way.

What exactly is the emotional brain? Also known as the hind brain, the emotional brain is the primary place that lights up on brain scans when you’re emotionally charged. It’s located toward the base of the skull, and is unfortunately not much affected by insight or logic.

In other words, you can logically understand that you need to be peacefully visualizing a healthy pregnancy… But until you are able to shift things in that emotional hind-brain, it will feel fake or out of focus. And your physical symptoms will remain.

Change doesn’t happen until that emotional brain is reached. But the good news is that tapping into the healing powers of that emotional brain is very powerful, once you know how to do it. Stress begins to dissipate. Your body begins to relax and release constriction. And positive, hopeful affirmations begin to feel amazingly within reach.

So if you’ve been struggling with your mental game, trying without much luck to shift stressful, anxious thoughts, it’s likely that you’ve been attempting tothink your way out of them. Neurologically, that’s an uphill battle. The key is in the emotional brain. Shift what’s going on neurologically in the emotional brain, and you will see change. In the holistic world, we help people with this every day so there’s plenty of support for the changes you want.

Until that change happens, have compassion for yourself. You’re not struggling mentally & emotionally because there’s something wrong with you. You just haven’t found the right "connect to the truth" tool for you. 

The way to find what will make a difference for you? Say a prayer... or if "prayer" doesn't resonate, think of it as sending out a general request to the universe to see what shows up as far as some guidance. Then follow it. 

Guest Blog - Surviving Mother's Day, Dr. Tara May 

Such a loaded holiday. If you are reading this, then you are probably one of many who are struggling with this upcoming Mother's Day. You may be grieving the loss of your own mother. You may be struggling with wanting a better relationship with her. You may be called on to be celebrating as a  mother to living children while remembering your nonliving children. You may be struggling with whether you are considered a mother when you have been unable to conceive at all. You may be wondering how to get through this holiday when the only children you have are no longer here to be mothered.

While many in our society won't be thinking of you and your aching arms and heart, know that there are many of us who have lost our innocence and will be thinking of you and our tragic predicaments.

If you've embraced the dream and cared for your potential child through your own body,You are a mother. If you've made heart wrenching decision to hold your child through their last breath, You are a mother.

If you've made the ultimate sacrifice to spare your baby a life of trauma, You are a mother.

If you've held a baby in your womb, never to meet him/her, You are a mother.

If you've know the sweet tenderness of a living child who is no longer here, You are a mother.

Motherhood is many things and mostly it's about love and for many, it's about unthinkable loss, a shattering of the heart and soul. You are not alone.

As you approach this Mother's Day, here are some things to consider to get you through. Do what resonates with you and ignore the rest. May you find some peace and comfort.

Follow the Love. Surround yourself only with loving and supportive beings.  Don't waste your time with those who won't recognize the predicament that you face or who won't help you feel loved and cherished. If your own company is the most loving, then cherish yourself and your memories.

Create a Ritual. Rituals are a wonderful way to focus our memories and acknowledge what we are grieving and honoring. You can light a candle, give yourself space to remember, paint, journal, release balloons, butterflies, bubbles, create a real or imagined ceremony, decorate an item of your child's or make something using an object that you associate with your motherhood.

Ignore the "celebrations". It may be just too hard to venture out of your house. That's ok. Honor what you need and set boundaries with those who have different expectations. They are not in your shoes.

Write a letter. Letter writing is a powerful way to get in touch with your experience and move through it. You may address the letter to your own mother, yourself, or your living children or your deceased children. The point is to give yourself the freedom to express whatever is in your heart without the burden of other's reactions.

Accept yourself. Accepting where you are today is important. Give yourself time and space to feel sad, comfort, peace, anger, and whatever else is coming up. You may discover that you need extra support and allow yourself to recognize that and find it.

When you’re pregnant, the information gathering is ON! But amidst all the reading, doing, and class-taking, there are a few essentials that too many women overlook… and when they do, they often find:

• their stress increases the closer they get to their due date (which can cause early labor & unwanted tension)
• they’re constantly “in their heads” and have trouble connecting to their bodies (which makes it harder to relax the body when needed)
• the emotional aspect of birth isn’t sufficiently addressed (and old birth traumas creep in to the delivery room, which is entirely avoidable)
• labor and birth becomes unnecessarily difficult 

It doesn’t have to be this way. Do the Emotional Prep… It changes everything.

Most people will need to focus on 6 steps to make labor and delivery MUCH easier, quicker, and yes – orgasmic. At least 2-6 months before your due date, treat & clear all pregnancy/birth/motherhood-related fears or traumas that you might have running a little too strongly. Let me show you what I mean.

6 Steps to an easier, more transcendent birth:


1.    Process & clear your own birth trauma (Do you know your birth story?) - You may have access to “the facts” and you may not. Either way, whatever occurred during your birth made an imprint for better or for worse, and is cued up to be repeated. If your own birth was difficult, it's more likely that the birth of your children will be, too. This repeating pattern doesn't necessarily mean the same exact issues will arise... but just that your body will give you another chance to try to work out whatever wasn't resolved from your past.

When I was born, my grandfather was in the end-stages of Alzheimers and my mom was under an incredible amount of stress. She can’t remember too much about my actual delivery – I was kid number 3 and things were relatively routine – but this grief imprint that I know was there has been important for me to address. I was born surrounded with a lot of love, but also with a lot of angst and worry. The difficult feeling wasn't about me, but the imprint was still there waiting to be healed.

Often times, the connection is a little more direct. 

I once had a client who was terrified to give birth and didn’t know why because her own birth story was uneventful. After thinking for a minute, she remembered her mom almost died in childbirth when her older sister was born. So that fear was still in the room during her birth, no doubt. As we cleared that family trauma of mom almost losing her life, my clients’ fear about her own pregnancy dissolved, too. Permanently! (She now has given birth twice and describes both as being “...incredibly easier than she ever imagined possible.")

In your case, particularly if there were any complications during your birth, I highly recommend finding out what those complications were (to the extent that you can), and making sure you’ve done some healing work to shift the places where your body still holds those traumas… You don’t want them in the room during your delivery, so move ‘em on out!

 

2.    Clear concerns you have about labor  - This may or may not overlap with Step 1. If you're nervous about labor, as mentioned above, the first thing to look at is your own birth story. But there are other places to look, too. Some women pick up fears about labor just by listening to all the horror stories friends, doctors, and the media spout out too regularly.

It’s impossible to not pick up a few fears from our culture in which birth generally requires hospitalization, medication, and so forth, just as if you were sick.

But if you are more than a little nervous about labor and birth, you should know that you can heal your fears.

Many, many of my clients reported that they had “twinges of nervousness” as they approached labor, but that they overall felt prepared, trusting, and ready to go. You deserve the same.



3.   Detangle issues you have around sexuality – “Orgasmic” birth experiences are real, but relatively rare. I think that’s because so many of us grew up with tons of hangups about our bodies, being attractive, being feminine, guilty about sex, etc. 

On top of that 1 out of every 4 women report being violated sexually by age 25 or so. There are a ton of sexuality triggers just waiting to blow up, especially during labor and birth. It’s not your fault if you’re part of the silent majority that suffers sexual shame, blame, or anxiety. Just know that any work you do to release these patterns will automatically free your body of tension.

Creating new patterns in your body of sexual freedom will increase circulation, allow for more openings physiologically, make it easier to breathe, and much more FUN to give birth.

Are you intrigued? ;) Good!



4.    Address your worries around being a mom – If you’re stressed about this baby, about finances, about balancing work responsibilities, about how you can make things work given all that’s going on, let’s talk. If these concerns (or ones like them) are on your mind on any regular basis, there’s good news and bad news. 

Bad news first? Those thoughts are sending a cocktail of stress chemicals through your body every time they take the driver's seat. Which causes more tension in your body and, over time, an increased possibility of complications. 

The good news is that you really can employ a myriad of tools to manage the day to day stress that you don’t have control of (like work stress, perhaps), as well as totally dissolve the many sources of stress you do have control of.

You might not have ever believed it IS POSSIBLE TO GET RID OF STRESS, but it is. If you don’t know how to do it, enlist support. It’s going to make a major impact on how you feel – and how your body responds during birth.



5. Attend to Dad’s birth trauma – This is important! Does your baby’s father know his birth story?

There are times when you can’t attend to this directly (you are pregnant from donor sperm or are otherwise not in communication with the father), but otherwise, you need to ask Dad to investigate his own birth story, what his mom experienced before, during, and after birth, what the story was like during his siblings birth(s), etc.

I know this concept is a little more abstract, but I need you to get that Dad, and whatever is going on in his energy, is in the soup here. He’s part of the alchemical mix.

If Dad knows he’s got some birth baggage, best case scenario is he invests time to heal and process it himself. That’s what creates the best outcome during the birth of your baby. If he won’t (some men don’t get how important this is) some of the work can be done almost as if on his behalf… It’s all about sexual alchemy & healing work at its essence. This is something I'll share more information on in the future.


6. Clean up Dad’s fears, family traumas, and/or worries about being a dad – When dad is stressed, it impacts you physically. It impacts your energy. So take the time to engage some conversation with Dad about what he’s worrying about. It may not be at the forefront of his brain, so this process may take some time and attention.

Again – If Dad is willing to tackle his own fears, stressors, and traumas himself, that’s ideal. If not, make sure you feel solid on your end.





The Bottom Line: The task here one way or the other is to make sure you’re supported and feel a firm foundation underneath you as you progress through your pregnancy, that you feel healthy, that your mind is working for you (not against), and that you feel prepared – mentally, physically, & emotionally.



Out of the six steps listed, which one would do you think would be the best one to look to first? 

If you're interested in a free consultation with me click here.