How close are you to giving birth? Now think ahead a few years into the future, and imagine what it’s going to be like to teach your child how to ride a bike for the first time - without the training wheels. Or jump off the high dive. Or step foot into the kindergarten classroom. 

The same kinds of things kids need you to embody in these situations that might be a tad-bit scary for them, are the same things they need as you get close to your due-date. 

In today’s video - just 3 minutes long - I share the 3 basic messages you want to send to your baby as you think about birth. Sometimes it’s easy to get so caught up in your prep process, classes, etc. that you forget your baby has a big job to do in his or her own right. So as you communicate with you lil one, stick to these core messages, and it will do a lot for them. During the 3rd trimester (and really before, as well) babies are showing us more and more about how much is being programmed into their neurology. That’s why my clients and I talk so much about protocols for releasing any stress that’s been in the picture.

But just as an older child will often respond courageously to little boosts of encouragement, your baby will too. It’s pretty simple, really. Take a look. :)

Pregnancy loss is a touchy subject, and rightly so. 

We talk about it so little "out there" - and yet almost 80% of women (whether they know it or not) will experience at least one pregnancy loss during their lifetime. 80%!!!

But depending on your fertility goals, how much effort & intention you’ve put into getting pregnant, and a host of other factors, pregnancy loss can absolutely knock you over with grief and exhaustion.


Physical Considerations

A miscarriage takes a huge toll on your physical body. Experts recommend giving yourself a full year to recover from a miscarriage before trying again. Even if you’re older and worried about running out of time, Roy Dittman OMD of The Brighton Baby says this: “Women that rush into getting pregnant immediately after a miscarriage have a much higher chance of miscarrying a second time… Wait 12 months before trying to conceive again. One year’s worth of preconception preparation will easily “subtract” two or more years from your Biophysical Age - literally turning your biological clock backwards. By waiting, you will be more likely to become pregnant and carry your future baby to term.” He then goes on to offer his very comprehensive physical protocol for rebuilding & strengthening the body, and it is really worth checking out.



Emotional Considerations

What I see even more people rushing through after a loss other than attending to their body, is paying attention to their emotional healing. I do get all the reasons why it’s tempting to gloss over the grief. However, you do yourself and your body a disservice when when you ignore what’s just true about the heaviness of loss, because there are parts of grief that won’t go away until you deal with them consciously. You can delay the emotional healing, but that will tend to delay your fertility timeline, in the process. 

My friend and grief counselor, Karen Mehringer of www.liveapurposefullife.com offered a few ideas for supporting the healing process that I want to re-share here.  

1. Slow down, take the time out, rest – full permission for as long as it takes
2. Express the feelings of grief – shame, anger, frustration, unworthiness… the heaviness moves more easily when you let yourself go there
3. Find a support group, formal or one with friends who can "go there" with you – it's normal to want to isolate, but connecting to support can be one of the most healing things you do
4. Ask “spirit” for help – things will start to show up!
5. Write a letter to the baby
6. Create a ritual – like planting a tree
7. Create an alter
8. Meditate/pray
9. Develop a daily gratitude practice
10. Move your body - walk, yoga, swim, dance - just find something that moves you (bonus points: include nature)
11. Find a way to give back, be of service to other people
12. Communicate what you need from one day to the next – be willing to ask for support 

You’ve quite possibly found, as you’ve read this list, that you’re already doing one or two of these suggestions, which is great! I’d like to invite you to try to find one that is a little bit of a stretch for you and try it on for size for the next week or so - especially if you’re really in the throes of grief right now. Otherwise, it’s a good idea to contact healing professionals like me or Karen, if you want some support that’s more individualized - particularly important if you’re feeling pretty stuck. 


Energetic or Soul-Level Perspectives

Another thing I like to do with clients is look at the miscarriage from a totally different perspective, which often shines a light on things for them that brings with it spontaneous healing on all levels. If you’re curious about that, keep your eyes open for the calls we offer from time to time - we'll be addressing these topics in detail. 

Maybe you'd be surprised to know that this was the first time I'd had an astrological reading. I learned a lot -- find out the one thing I got called out on the most (in, of course, the gentlest way). Can you relate to this issue?

If you're looking for a great astrological reading, check out www.soulvisionconsulting.com for more info. 

A lot of information continues to come forth about how a positive fertility mindset is THE missing piece for many couples struggling with “infertility.” From a holistic perspective, the mental and emotional slices of the pie are sizable, and the larger western medical community is beginning to see that, too.

Everyone gets that stress, hopelessness, and negativity is going to make things more difficult. It makes sense. Stress and negativity cause tension, poor circulation, inflammation, and hormonal imbalances in the body. So it has to be addressed, the doctors tell you.

But the big question is how can you get rid of stress, short of quitting your job? How can you shift, little by little, into a place of peaceful trust? If you’re like most people, that’s where you need help.

Now, a “mind over matter” attitude, positive affirmations, the law of attraction, and the like are great. But the problem is, these exercises have a bit of a glass ceiling on them because they tend to access what we call the “thinking brain.” Western psychology focuses on trying to shift things by thinking. But thinking just doesn’t connect to the emotional brain, where fears like “my body is betraying me” really sit. You might understand logically that your body isn’t really trying to betray you, but it can still feel that way! You might intellectually know that your mother in law’s comments aren’t meant to hurt you, but in the emotional brain it can still register that way.

What exactly is the emotional brain? Also known as the hind brain, the emotional brain is the primary place that lights up on brain scans when you’re emotionally charged. It’s located toward the base of the skull, and is unfortunately not much affected by insight or logic.

In other words, you can logically understand that you need to be peacefully visualizing a healthy pregnancy… But until you are able to shift things in that emotional hind-brain, it will feel fake or out of focus. And your physical symptoms will remain.

Change doesn’t happen until that emotional brain is reached. But the good news is that tapping into the healing powers of that emotional brain is very powerful, once you know how to do it. Stress begins to dissipate. Your body begins to relax and release constriction. And positive, hopeful affirmations begin to feel amazingly within reach.

So if you’ve been struggling with your mental game, trying without much luck to shift stressful, anxious thoughts, it’s likely that you’ve been attempting tothink your way out of them. Neurologically, that’s an uphill battle. The key is in the emotional brain. Shift what’s going on neurologically in the emotional brain, and you will see change. In the holistic world, we help people with this every day so there’s plenty of support for the changes you want.

Until that change happens, have compassion for yourself. You’re not struggling mentally & emotionally because there’s something wrong with you. You just haven’t found the right "connect to the truth" tool for you. 

The way to find what will make a difference for you? Say a prayer... or if "prayer" doesn't resonate, think of it as sending out a general request to the universe to see what shows up as far as some guidance. Then follow it. 

Courtesy of Center for School Transformation - www.schooltransformation.com

Courtesy of the Center for Richer Living:

A lot of information continues to come forth about how a positive fertility mindset is THE missing piece for many couples struggling with “infertility.” From a holistic perspective, the mental and emotional slices of the pie are sizable, and the larger western medical community is beginning to see that, too.

Everyone gets that stress, hopelessness, and negativity is going to make things more difficult. It makes sense. Stress and negativity cause tension, poor circulation, inflammation, and hormonal imbalances in the body. So it has to be addressed, the doctors tell you.

But the big question is how can you get rid of stress, short of quitting your job? How can you shift, little by little, into a place of peaceful trust? If you’re like most people, that’s where you need help.

Now, a “mind over matter” attitude, positive affirmations, the law of attraction, and the like are great. But the problem is, these exercises have a bit of a glass ceiling on them because they tend to access what we call the “thinking brain.” Western psychology focuses on trying to shift things by thinking. But thinking just doesn’t connect to the emotional brain, where fears like “my body is betraying me” really sit. You might understand logically that your body isn’t really trying to betray you, but it can still feel that way! You might intellectually know that your mother in law’s comments aren’t meant to hurt you, but in the emotional brain it can still register that way.

What exactly is the emotional brain? Also known as the hind brain, the emotional brain is the primary place that lights up on brain scans when you’re emotionally charged. It’s located toward the base of the skull, and is unfortunately not much affected by insight or logic.

In other words, you can logically understand that you need to be peacefully visualizing a healthy pregnancy… But until you are able to shift things in that emotional hind-brain, it will feel fake or out of focus. And your physical symptoms will remain.

Change doesn’t happen until that emotional brain is reached. But the good news is that tapping into the healing powers of that emotional brain is very powerful, once you know how to do it. Stress begins to dissipate. Your body begins to relax and release constriction. And positive, hopeful affirmations begin to feel amazingly within reach.

So if you’ve been struggling with your mental game, trying without much luck to shift stressful, anxious thoughts, it’s likely that you’ve been attempting tothink your way out of them. Neurologically, that’s an uphill battle. The key is in the emotional brain. Shift what’s going on neurologically in the emotional brain, and you will see change. In the holistic world, we help people with this every day so there’s plenty of support for the changes you want.

Until that change happens, have compassion for yourself. You’re not struggling mentally & emotionally because there’s something wrong with you. You just haven’t found the right "connect to the truth" tool for you. 

The way to find what will make a difference for you? Say a prayer... or if "prayer" doesn't resonate, think of it as sending out a general request to the universe to see what shows up as far as some guidance. Then follow it. 

Guest Blog - Surviving Mother's Day, Dr. Tara May 

Such a loaded holiday. If you are reading this, then you are probably one of many who are struggling with this upcoming Mother's Day. You may be grieving the loss of your own mother. You may be struggling with wanting a better relationship with her. You may be called on to be celebrating as a  mother to living children while remembering your nonliving children. You may be struggling with whether you are considered a mother when you have been unable to conceive at all. You may be wondering how to get through this holiday when the only children you have are no longer here to be mothered.

While many in our society won't be thinking of you and your aching arms and heart, know that there are many of us who have lost our innocence and will be thinking of you and our tragic predicaments.

If you've embraced the dream and cared for your potential child through your own body,You are a mother. If you've made heart wrenching decision to hold your child through their last breath, You are a mother.

If you've made the ultimate sacrifice to spare your baby a life of trauma, You are a mother.

If you've held a baby in your womb, never to meet him/her, You are a mother.

If you've know the sweet tenderness of a living child who is no longer here, You are a mother.

Motherhood is many things and mostly it's about love and for many, it's about unthinkable loss, a shattering of the heart and soul. You are not alone.

As you approach this Mother's Day, here are some things to consider to get you through. Do what resonates with you and ignore the rest. May you find some peace and comfort.

Follow the Love. Surround yourself only with loving and supportive beings.  Don't waste your time with those who won't recognize the predicament that you face or who won't help you feel loved and cherished. If your own company is the most loving, then cherish yourself and your memories.

Create a Ritual. Rituals are a wonderful way to focus our memories and acknowledge what we are grieving and honoring. You can light a candle, give yourself space to remember, paint, journal, release balloons, butterflies, bubbles, create a real or imagined ceremony, decorate an item of your child's or make something using an object that you associate with your motherhood.

Ignore the "celebrations". It may be just too hard to venture out of your house. That's ok. Honor what you need and set boundaries with those who have different expectations. They are not in your shoes.

Write a letter. Letter writing is a powerful way to get in touch with your experience and move through it. You may address the letter to your own mother, yourself, or your living children or your deceased children. The point is to give yourself the freedom to express whatever is in your heart without the burden of other's reactions.

Accept yourself. Accepting where you are today is important. Give yourself time and space to feel sad, comfort, peace, anger, and whatever else is coming up. You may discover that you need extra support and allow yourself to recognize that and find it.

There are many reasons communication is tough. When you’re grieving, especially from a pregnancy loss (whether you call it a “chemical” pregnancy, a miscarriage, a stillbirth, an abortion…) it can be particularly difficult to express to your loved ones how they can best support you.

What you want to hear. What you don’t want to hear… and when you want to be left alone. You might wonder why people say so many insensitive things, and why talking about grief is so hard.

The first reason is we don’t do grief (or any “intense” emotion) very well in this day and age, at least not most of us. We avoid hard emotions, we rush through them whenever we can, and so when grief does hit your life it can feel like you’re a non-swimmer being thrown into an ocean. So you’re already overwhelmed and just trying to keep your head above water as you deal with whatever is going on.

Secondly, you might – if you’re like most women – have trouble communicating your wants and needs in the first place, even in the best of circumstances.

Some of my clients and I have come up with a few communication prompts that I want to share with you, so that if you ever need a little help setting a boundary, or making a request, you have a good place to start.

Boundary Setting

1.     I don’t know what I need, but thank you for reaching out. Check in again in another few months?

2.     I know the family is worried about me. Just tell anyone who asks I’m going through waves of emotion and I want more space right now.

3.     Right now, I don’t want anyone to fix or say anything. But if I change my mind I’ll let you know.

4.     I’d rather not talk about this while I’m in work-mode, but I really appreciate your concern.

5.     I know everyone wants to help, but advice isn’t what I need. Maybe everyone in the family would be willing to help me with something practical, like ______.

Making a Request

1.     It’d be great if you asked me every so often how I’m doing. Even if I don’t have much of an answer, it feels good to be asked.

2.     If you want to support me, here’s what would work right now _____.

3.     For the next few weeks/months, can you give me a break from hearing about your pregnancy? I’m happy for you, but it’s just too hard for me right now.

4.     Tell people I’ll accept help in the form of: food drop offs, errands, pedicure gift cards, walking the dog for a day or two, watching a movie with me when I don’t want to talk… that’s really what would support me most right now.

5.     If you want to help, ask ______ how he is – maybe he/she needs something!

6.     I don’t feel like answering emails/calls, but when you send me cards, believe me! I love reading them.

7.     I want to create a ritual for the one year anniversary of this loss by ­­______. Can you participate by ______?

To Your Spouse/Partner – I’m going to need to write a whole other article on that one.  :)

Expressing Pain

1.     I know an “early miscarriage” may not seem like as big a deal to you, but this was truly devastating for me, so just know I’m in my own process about it.

2.     I can’t articulate all the many emotions coming up at once. But having you just be present when I talk – even when it doesn’t make sense – that helps so much.

3.     Grief is so non-linear. I’m back and forth, up and down. One day I might genuinely be in a good space, but on another, if it seems I’m dipping down, I probably am.

4.     It’s touchy! You’re now pregnant and I’m not. How should we navigate that in our friendship?

Calling Someone Out - Nicely

1.     I’m not ready to look for a silver lining yet. I’m sure I’ll get there, but right now I just want to hear how much this sucks.

2.     If my crying makes you uncomfortable, do whatever you have to do... But it’s okay for me to cry.

3.     If you ask me how I am, I need you to be able to deal with some intense emotions… otherwise I end up trying to take care of your discomfort!

4.     I know we don’t usually talk about hard things in this family, but right now _____ feels like a huge elephant in the living room.

5.     I know you probably have the best of intentions to be supportive, but that comment felt a little prickly for me.

6.     Perhaps you were trying to spare my feelings, but by NOT inviting me to the baby shower, I felt really left out. Maybe in the future we can just talk about how to navigate these touchy things.

Assigning a Spokesperson

1.     Can you do me a favor and tell everyone? If they ask questions about ______, fill them in. If they ask about anything else, tell them that’s private.

2.     I certainly don’t mind you knowing what happened, but since I’m not in a space to share many details, ______ can fill you in.

3.     ______ has offered to set up a meal-train for me, so if you are interested in that let them know. Otherwise, I’m kind of staying inward for a few months.

4.     Tell everyone I’d love hearing their phone messages, but that I won’t be up for calling people back.

Changing A Boundary

1.     I know I used to ask you all to give me space, but now I’m aware everyone’s walking on eggshells around me. So as of now, I think I’d prefer you just talk to me directly about your questions, or about how I’m doing.

2.     Even though I didn’t want to talk about things before, now it’d be nice to change that a bit.

3.     I know in general we kind of avoid talking about the fact that you have a baby and I don’t, but right now I’m feeling a little less tender and I’d really like to hear how motherhood is going for you.

Remember, your needs will change as your grief process unfolds. Check in with yourself to see if what felt good last month still does. And if something has shifted, make sure you give someone the cue.

Your family may still think, for example, you don’t want to talk about how your would-be due date is coming up based on the cues you normally give them. If you would like to make an exception to your own rule, make it!

Just let at least one person know, as soon as you’ve figured it out yourself! Sometimes, believe it or not, that's the hardest part.

If you haven't yet done so, sign up for the free gift bundle I have for you at www.aufertility.com

Since I talk so much about stress and the impact it has on the body, particularly during preconception, pregnancy, & birth… I love the perspective this video brings on the topic. HOW you think about stress, the STORY you have when you feel it - it all makes a difference. Give it a look!